Acceptance and letting go

I had a D&C done 2 days before Christmas. It would be the first Christmas eve I would have to spend in the hospital since my doctor requires me to stay overnight. It would be my very first time to be admitted for a night. But it had to be done.

My cervix was still closed despite taking primrose oil for 5 nights. They gave me spinal anesthesia and I was awake and shivering the entire time. And it was finally done. I was no longer pregnant. My doctor showed me a photo of the specimen and told me that it wasn't a molar pregnancy after all. It was an anembryonic pregnancy or blighted ovum. I was relieved. That meant that we could try again in a couple of months. We didn't have to wait an entire year.

I expected that I would break down after the procedure but I didn't. I'm lucky I have such a supportive husband. He really is my rock. I remember the night we found out about the nonviable pregnancy. We were walking in the hospital's parking lot and I just burst into tears. I couldn't hold it any longer. My husband was there to pick me up and tell me that everything was going to be alright. Perhaps the reason why I didn't cry so much after the procedure was I knew that because everything was going to be okay.

Life hasn't exactly gone back to normal for me. I can't go back to work just yet because I have a traditional Chinese mother-in-law and she wants me to undergo po ge lai or zuo yue zi although I've had a miscarriage. She says this is for my own health. So there. I have mixed feelings about IVF after everything I have gone through. But who knows? My goal for 2015 is to be a lot more healthier, lose some weight, produce better quality eggs and hopefully become pregnant again. :)

Things happen for a reason

3 days ago, I found out that my pregnancy was non-viable. I saw my doctor and she referred me to get another ultrasound. Since I had most of the symptoms that a pregnant woman usually has, she wasn't worried that something was wrong.

I got my ultrasound and I already knew something was wrong when I saw the look on the doctor's face. She called her superior and they were saying a lot of medical jargon I couldn't really understand. They called my husband in and told us that they couldn't find a yolk sac anymore and there was no embryo. Furthermore, they also saw cobweb-like echoes, which they are suspecting to be the beginnings of a molar pregnancy. At this point, I was trying my best to hold my tears back.

Molar pregnancy? I absolutely had no clue what that was. I called my OB-GYN and she immediately came to check on my ultrasound. She went out and explained to me that she suspects a molar pregnancy as well and she told me that the sac would have to be evacuated right away. It took some time for me to digest this information. We thought we would be having a baby but I just had my heart broken in such a way that I've never experienced before. She gave me a brief background as to what a molar pregnancy was and told me that after the D&C, we would need to wait a year before we try to conceive again as the chances of having another molar pregnancy would be quite high for me. That's when I broke down in tears. I started my TTC journey when I was about 27. I didn't think it would take such a long time before I would get pregnant. And now, we had to wait another year to try again. I would be 33 next year. My doctor comforted me and said it's still wasn't too late.

The past few months literally have been a rollercoaster of emotions for me. I went from happy to disappointed, then happy and now I'm truly devastated. Although I haven't completely accepted the fact that we will have one miscarriage after my D&C, I know that this happened because God only wants the best for me. And that He has a plan for me. I may not understand it now, but I'm constantly praying that one day, I will.

The first photo

I was supposed to have my ultrasound done last Monday, December 8 but because of the typhoon/tropical storm in the country, I decided to postpone it to December 10.

I've always thought that once I got a positive pregnancy test, everything else will be easy and that the baby will surely come along. But there I was outside the Women's Health Center, nervously waiting for my name to be called for my ultrasound. I've gotten so far only to fail but then, there it was. The very first image of our soon-to-be baby. And everything in the world was alright again. :)

I think I'm about 5 weeks and 5 days so as expected, no heartbeat yet and no fetal pole. We were only able to see the gestational sac and the yolk sac, which was what my doctor expected. We will do another ultrasound in 10 days. We hope to see a heartbeat then. :)

All I can say is God is good. :)

My Beta HCG Result

I went to the hospital early in the morning and had my blood drawn. My appointment with my doctor was going to be the day after my blood test since it was on a Sunday. I was nervous but very hopeful. I was waiting expectantly. That was the message at church 2 Sundays ago. To walk by faith and wait expectantly.

That afternoon, I was able to check the result online and guess what? I'm pregnant! My Beta HCG turned out to be 125.30 mIU/mL. I cried because this was what I had been praying for. I told my husband and we both cried! We have been waiting for 5 years for this to happen. I was overcome with joy and gratefulness. Lord, you are so, so good. I know I did it the other way around but it was going to be the first time for me to see 2 lines on a home pregnancy test.

Had my second Beta HCG test today and it was at 460.50 mIU/mL. I have a long way to go and I'm getting my first ultrasound next week. Praying that my little apple seed is sleeping safely in my uterus. :)